Finding the Funniest Penis Stress Ball

Part of the future marketing of this crazy book O’Mine will include giving away a whole mess of stress balls, branded with the book name and probably the website.  Last fall at BlogWorld we were at a zany party in Las Vegas.  Lexis was giving away a free car to bloggers who attended the party (that was my idea by the way) and in general it was the first night of the show and everyone was having a grand old time getting caught up with each other.

New Audiobook free Sample Production Finished

BTW Have you checked out the new audiobook sample that we finished last week and just uploaded to the site?  Listen to it for free.  🙂

As I started telling people about what was then a new idea/book we started talking about how to virally market the book.  Now my friend and client Mike McAllen was passing out these breast shaped stress balls to help raise awareness for breast cancer.  I thought that was a grand idea and asked for two.

image A little later while I was playing with my new squishy breasts, and talking about prosthetic penis books with my friends, I had a bit of an epiphany.

When I launch my book, I should pass out funny looking penis shaped stress balls to people! 

Afterall the book is about prosthetic (faux) penis devices and what better way for people to help make the connection.  Hell, I even toyed with the notion of using double stick tape to make it possible for people to stick these penises all over town (still might try this if I can find the right product from 3m).

Well, this weekend as I was preparing to put my initial project up on, I was reminded that for Kickstarter it is important to give your donors some cool swag, t-shirts, copies of books, downloads, posters all sorts of stuff, and of course my (future) donors are the best and they too deserve a stress penis of their own, so I decided to get my ass in gear and find the future project jewels.

Well, finding a funny looking Penis Stress Ball is not easy.  First, I had the parameters that this thing should be funny and not too sexual.  It should be recognizable as a penis, but not in a Jim Morrison moves to France to avoid jail time because of his penis marketing kind of way.

So like everyone, I started Googling for my Penis.  Sure its hard to find, but should be impossible after all Google has those MIT guys powering their search engine and I’m sure they need it to find a penis from time to time too.

I’m not saying their penises are, um small, but these things do get lost from time to time.  Then again, we are talking MIT grads, they might have a GPS chip on their penis, might even check the thing in automatically on Foursquare. 

“Geoffrey’s Penis, Willy, has just checked in at Bed Bath and Beyond…”

I found a whole bunch of stress balls at  I’m not endorsing them (yet), but they did seem to have the easiest catalog to search and possibly the largest, however as I would later learn, it kind of seems that every retailer has the same selection or part of it.  These guys seemed to have almost everything, but they didn’t have a penis!  🙁

I did get some ideas however from them.  I knew that this penis hunt would not be easy as I had briefly looked months back and found zilch for funny penises.

At Quality Products I did find some initial inspiration with things that looked a little penis like

image image

They even had sperm, but I’ve got 3 kids and definitely don’t need more of that.


Heck they even had an arm shaped like it had spent a little too much time with the penis stress ball rubbing out some of the stress ball sperm.


That stuff was all fine and dandy, but it wasn’t until I looked at a Soccer Stress ball that I had another (smaller) epiphany.


Check out that image, what do you see?

I’m not talking about the Jimmie reference.  What I saw was arms and legs and hands and feet!  It was perfect.  My penis needed arms and hands and legs and feet.

Everyone knows that a penis with hands and feet is funny.  There’s nothing terribly sexual about a penis that can walk around and clap his hands together.

I was looking for More Corny and Less Porny in general.

But my penis brainstorm wasn’t done yet, there was more great stuff to come, when I found this great little cow.


This cute little booger that reminded me of my old friends at Utterz has something up her butt.


You see if you pull that little string coming out of the cow’s butt, it makes the cow ViBrAtE!

Obviously, you see the potential there too!

I just knew immediately that I need a walking, clapping penis with a string that you could pull and make it vibrate.  That was exactly the thing to make my penis less sexy and a whole lot more funny!

Well, I still have a problem, I haven’t found hardly anyone that has penis stress balls.  🙁

I did find this handy dandy model.

Penis Stress Ball Snapshot

This seems to be the only penis stress ball in the world and frankly, he just won’t do.

The hairy toes, which while reminiscent of the lord of the rings’ Hobbits, is just a little too ugly.  I mean who needs to be reminded of a hairy penis?

The eye balls on the penis are kind of a nice touch, although they look a little more winsome and less funny.  The smile on the penis is a little um, odd too.  This particular model isn’t terribly sexual, but definitely not funny enough.

I did submit a request for a quote to the QualityProducts people, that in and of itself was an experience and I’m hoping it doesn’t get lost in their spam que.  It went a little something like this(note I’m writing this from my own media company which will handle marketing anyway, hence the third person thing):

We are working on a project for an author preparing for a future comedy release (book).  We need a silly looking penis shaped stress ball, nothing to sexual that might be confused with porn, something silly.  Your Wobbly Stress Releiver is close but not close enough.  Your Soccer Figure STress ball (with arms and legs) might actually be a good example of how to make a stress ball penis shaped with arms and legs to de-emphasize the sex angle and emphasize the humor.  In fact, a penis shaped stress ball with arms and legs and the vibrating string pull cord could be extremely funny.  I'm looking for 3 things:
1 can this be made or do you not create things out of the normal casts of 1200 products?
2 Looking for a quantity initially in the range of 500-1,000, but we expect to need many more post launch
3 what type of lead time do you need for something like this?

Please feel free to call or email with any questions.

Later in my search I found some information that seems to indicate that if you make one of these puppies custom, you probably have to order between 2500 and 5k at a time from China.  That’s a good bit more than I really want to begin with but since no one else on the internet has these things, maybe I can sell them from this site.  I even toyed with the additional notion of adding a usb dongle to the end of the penis which could have a copy of the book!

Got Funny Penis Experience Yourself?

So there it is, if you have any experience ordering funny penises stress balls, stuffed animals or anything similar, I’d love to pick your brain for suggestions, ideas, experience, warnings and more.  I definitely don’t have much experience with this penis thing myself and could definitely use some more ideas!