Finding the Funniest Penis Stress Ball

Part of the future marketing of this crazy book O’Mine will include giving away a whole mess of stress balls, branded with the book name and probably the website.  Last fall at BlogWorld we were at a zany party in Las Vegas.  Lexis was giving away a free car to bloggers who attended the party (that was my idea by the way) and in general it was the first night of the show and everyone was having a grand old time getting caught up with each other.

New Audiobook free Sample Production Finished

BTW Have you checked out the new audiobook sample that we finished last week and just uploaded to the site?  Listen to it for free.  🙂

As I started telling people about what was then a new idea/book we started talking about how to virally market the book.  Now my friend and client Mike McAllen was passing out these breast shaped stress balls to help raise awareness for breast cancer.  I thought that was a grand idea and asked for two.

image A little later while I was playing with my new squishy breasts, and talking about prosthetic penis books with my friends, I had a bit of an epiphany.

When I launch my book, I should pass out funny looking penis shaped stress balls to people! 

Afterall the book is about prosthetic (faux) penis devices and what better way for people to help make the connection.  Hell, I even toyed with the notion of using double stick tape to make it possible for people to stick these penises all over town (still might try this if I can find the right product from 3m).

Well, this weekend as I was preparing to put my initial project up on, I was reminded that for Kickstarter it is important to give your donors some cool swag, t-shirts, copies of books, downloads, posters all sorts of stuff, and of course my (future) donors are the best and they too deserve a stress penis of their own, so I decided to get my ass in gear and find the future project jewels.

Well, finding a funny looking Penis Stress Ball is not easy.  First, I had the parameters that this thing should be funny and not too sexual.  It should be recognizable as a penis, but not in a Jim Morrison moves to France to avoid jail time because of his penis marketing kind of way.

So like everyone, I started Googling for my Penis.  Sure its hard to find, but should be impossible after all Google has those MIT guys powering their search engine and I’m sure they need it to find a penis from time to time too.

I’m not saying their penises are, um small, but these things do get lost from time to time.  Then again, we are talking MIT grads, they might have a GPS chip on their penis, might even check the thing in automatically on Foursquare. 

“Geoffrey’s Penis, Willy, has just checked in at Bed Bath and Beyond…”

I found a whole bunch of stress balls at  I’m not endorsing them (yet), but they did seem to have the easiest catalog to search and possibly the largest, however as I would later learn, it kind of seems that every retailer has the same selection or part of it.  These guys seemed to have almost everything, but they didn’t have a penis!  🙁

I did get some ideas however from them.  I knew that this penis hunt would not be easy as I had briefly looked months back and found zilch for funny penises.

At Quality Products I did find some initial inspiration with things that looked a little penis like

image image

They even had sperm, but I’ve got 3 kids and definitely don’t need more of that.


Heck they even had an arm shaped like it had spent a little too much time with the penis stress ball rubbing out some of the stress ball sperm.


That stuff was all fine and dandy, but it wasn’t until I looked at a Soccer Stress ball that I had another (smaller) epiphany.


Check out that image, what do you see?

I’m not talking about the Jimmie reference.  What I saw was arms and legs and hands and feet!  It was perfect.  My penis needed arms and hands and legs and feet.

Everyone knows that a penis with hands and feet is funny.  There’s nothing terribly sexual about a penis that can walk around and clap his hands together.

I was looking for More Corny and Less Porny in general.

But my penis brainstorm wasn’t done yet, there was more great stuff to come, when I found this great little cow.


This cute little booger that reminded me of my old friends at Utterz has something up her butt.


You see if you pull that little string coming out of the cow’s butt, it makes the cow ViBrAtE!

Obviously, you see the potential there too!

I just knew immediately that I need a walking, clapping penis with a string that you could pull and make it vibrate.  That was exactly the thing to make my penis less sexy and a whole lot more funny!

Well, I still have a problem, I haven’t found hardly anyone that has penis stress balls.  🙁

I did find this handy dandy model.

Penis Stress Ball Snapshot

This seems to be the only penis stress ball in the world and frankly, he just won’t do.

The hairy toes, which while reminiscent of the lord of the rings’ Hobbits, is just a little too ugly.  I mean who needs to be reminded of a hairy penis?

The eye balls on the penis are kind of a nice touch, although they look a little more winsome and less funny.  The smile on the penis is a little um, odd too.  This particular model isn’t terribly sexual, but definitely not funny enough.

I did submit a request for a quote to the QualityProducts people, that in and of itself was an experience and I’m hoping it doesn’t get lost in their spam que.  It went a little something like this(note I’m writing this from my own media company which will handle marketing anyway, hence the third person thing):

We are working on a project for an author preparing for a future comedy release (book).  We need a silly looking penis shaped stress ball, nothing to sexual that might be confused with porn, something silly.  Your Wobbly Stress Releiver is close but not close enough.  Your Soccer Figure STress ball (with arms and legs) might actually be a good example of how to make a stress ball penis shaped with arms and legs to de-emphasize the sex angle and emphasize the humor.  In fact, a penis shaped stress ball with arms and legs and the vibrating string pull cord could be extremely funny.  I'm looking for 3 things:
1 can this be made or do you not create things out of the normal casts of 1200 products?
2 Looking for a quantity initially in the range of 500-1,000, but we expect to need many more post launch
3 what type of lead time do you need for something like this?

Please feel free to call or email with any questions.

Later in my search I found some information that seems to indicate that if you make one of these puppies custom, you probably have to order between 2500 and 5k at a time from China.  That’s a good bit more than I really want to begin with but since no one else on the internet has these things, maybe I can sell them from this site.  I even toyed with the additional notion of adding a usb dongle to the end of the penis which could have a copy of the book!

Got Funny Penis Experience Yourself?

So there it is, if you have any experience ordering funny penises stress balls, stuffed animals or anything similar, I’d love to pick your brain for suggestions, ideas, experience, warnings and more.  I definitely don’t have much experience with this penis thing myself and could definitely use some more ideas!

013 – P3nis Packaging is Good for the Environment

version 1.2

"Well, that's something that doesn't happen at work every day," Brad said to himself, check that, said to the world as he mentally reminded himself that everything was now live.

He took a deep mental breath, something that gave him a half second to recompose himself without the visible stress relieving sigh that he wanted. It was something that every detective was taught in Public Relations 201 for days just like this when they would be working a case in front of a live audience of 1 to 21 billion people.

He purposefully did not move so as not to corrupt the crime scene any further. He quickly looked at the remains of the pallet in front of him. Then, he scanned up. The two pallets stacked on top of each other and on top of the pallet on the floor together had all collapsed on each other.

He looked closer at the pallets to the immediate left and right of the collapse. One looked fine, but the other showed just a slight bulge in the side facing the aisle and more of a bulge on the side facing the collapsed pallet.

He triggered a flashlight with his phone and studied the spot closer. It appeared that the pallet in the bulging area was slightly damp . . .

"Scene Bot, secure this pallet with reinforcing support materials, and cover it in crime scene protective film." Rubenz ordered. The material, shrink wrap like substance that held the pallet and its boxes together was slightly wet and seemed to be corroding before his eyes like watching a slow motion acid eating a whole in the material.

The Bot lightly maneuvered up on extended legs, moving over to the pallet and began to spread a wide filmy substance over the affected area. It then proceeded to essentially blow dry the substance, which Brad new from experience meant that the area was being sealed air tight, or at least as much as possible from one side. After that was accomplished the Bot, began to swath the entire lower pallet in the same filmy material. The second Bot, moved further down the aisle simultaneously, and came back 45 seconds later with 4 large corner braces for the pallet. These were attached to each corner and the filmy material was applied again.

Brad turned further to the right and with his phone scanned a bar code on the pallet adjacent to the recently secured damaged pallet. He queried for details on the packing materials.

Quickly a layman description of the purpose and chemical properties of the packing materials were read off to him by his phone:

"Industrial strength packing materials contain no dangerous chemicals or biological agents. All materials are super bio degradable, designed to degrade into a water soluble substance unless a proper reagent is applied within 15 seconds to halt the process. The most common reagent is made of a simple mix of water and detergent. In the presence of water alone the material will disintegrate in approximately forty five minutes unless a counter agent is applied to re-enforce the packaging."

Rubenz considered, it was standard packaging material, literally designed to be washed down the sink if necessary for smaller consumer boxes, or down an industrial sink for a pallet. In short it was good for the environment.

But something had triggered the slow disintegration of the packaging. He glanced around and with a mental 'of course' realized that it must be the faux blood that had sprayed from the P3nises littering the floor.

He scanned the bar code on one of the P3nis pedestal or holders or stands, whatever they were called, he identified one that had not disintegrated when the pallet container fell apart. The P3nises were apparently packaged for consumer display in what appeared to be a clear plastic stand, leaving the majority of the penis itself completely exposed. There was a small red arrow that said try me pointing to a red contact sensor that seemed to be wired to the underside of the P3nis that sat upright as if ready for battle like a good little soldier.

Brad thought about that for about 10 seconds, he wasn't exactly sure what that was there for, but he had to find out.

"Review the integrity of all the pallets within range of this crime scene. Then proceed to do a progressive survey of the pallets within 20 meters of this area as well. We can't have pallets crushing us, the evidence or damaging more property." Rubenz ordered the crime scene bots.

Each Bot began reviewing the integrity of each pallet immediately surrounding the crime scene area and within about two minutes they were both moving down the aisle in opposite directions reviewing additional pallets. As they surveyed, they adjusted their sample size up and down as they found necessary based on the results the survey revealed about the integrity of the pallet containers.

Rubenz suspected there would be no further problems, but he primarily needed the crime scene Bot cameras pointed away from him, even if it was just temporary.

He reached out and touched the sensor pad. Instantly, he could feel his penis, correction his P3nis growing hard. The P3nis in the stand was even more erect and lengthening a bit. The simple touch on the sensor pad gave him the sense that he could feel every area of the P3nis as if it were his own and attached and hard wired into his nervous system. It was eerie, but it sure as hell worked well too.

This crazy plastic pedestal with the P3nis sitting on it was just like one of those old kids toys, with the 'try me' button. Once you touched it, you instantly knew just how well this product worked. There was no doubt after feeling it, if you wanted a new P3nis, an extra P3nis . . . well this would confirm you had found what you were looking for.

He removed his finger, which was much easier than removing the P3nis from his forehead. He had had a slight feeling of apprehension that his finger would be stuck, but no worries after all.

He looked back to his phone and realized that the bar code information had been scrolling on a loop. He reset it and learned that the plastic base, contact sensor, even the wires were also made out of the same super bio degradable material.

So as soon as the liquid from the penis probably had come into contact with the pallet, it had proceeded to eat through the shrink wrap, the pallet boxes and supports and the plastic pedestals themselves, unleashing about 600 P3nises to come raining down on the crime scene.

That was a little convenient Brad thought.

"The remaining pallets have been secured. Two pallets required slight reinforcement, but all others should not fail unless acted upon." stated the crime scene Bot.

"Terrific", Rubenz mumbled to no one but the world.

"Re-initiate crime scene analysis but start with an area including my person and work out in a radius away from me until this recent spill of . . . products has been removed. Once this is secured again, then continue where you left off," Rubenz Stated and then added a query, "Please confirm that no information from the previous analysis was lost, and please state whether the crime scene analysis will be degraded due to this subsequent event."

The crime scene Bot rapidly stated, "No information was lost, and the possibility of crime scene degradation is less than 0.0001389 percent. That figure will likely adjust downward once the review commences again and the new data is correlated from the point at which the previous analysis left off.

Continue to Next Chapter - 014 – Al Qaeda in Space