013 – P3nis Packaging is Good for the Environment

version 1.2

"Well, that's something that doesn't happen at work every day," Brad said to himself, check that, said to the world as he mentally reminded himself that everything was now live.

He took a deep mental breath, something that gave him a half second to recompose himself without the visible stress relieving sigh that he wanted. It was something that every detective was taught in Public Relations 201 for days just like this when they would be working a case in front of a live audience of 1 to 21 billion people.

He purposefully did not move so as not to corrupt the crime scene any further. He quickly looked at the remains of the pallet in front of him. Then, he scanned up. The two pallets stacked on top of each other and on top of the pallet on the floor together had all collapsed on each other.

He looked closer at the pallets to the immediate left and right of the collapse. One looked fine, but the other showed just a slight bulge in the side facing the aisle and more of a bulge on the side facing the collapsed pallet.

He triggered a flashlight with his phone and studied the spot closer. It appeared that the pallet in the bulging area was slightly damp . . .

"Scene Bot, secure this pallet with reinforcing support materials, and cover it in crime scene protective film." Rubenz ordered. The material, shrink wrap like substance that held the pallet and its boxes together was slightly wet and seemed to be corroding before his eyes like watching a slow motion acid eating a whole in the material.

The Bot lightly maneuvered up on extended legs, moving over to the pallet and began to spread a wide filmy substance over the affected area. It then proceeded to essentially blow dry the substance, which Brad new from experience meant that the area was being sealed air tight, or at least as much as possible from one side. After that was accomplished the Bot, began to swath the entire lower pallet in the same filmy material. The second Bot, moved further down the aisle simultaneously, and came back 45 seconds later with 4 large corner braces for the pallet. These were attached to each corner and the filmy material was applied again.

Brad turned further to the right and with his phone scanned a bar code on the pallet adjacent to the recently secured damaged pallet. He queried for details on the packing materials.

Quickly a layman description of the purpose and chemical properties of the packing materials were read off to him by his phone:

"Industrial strength packing materials contain no dangerous chemicals or biological agents. All materials are super bio degradable, designed to degrade into a water soluble substance unless a proper reagent is applied within 15 seconds to halt the process. The most common reagent is made of a simple mix of water and detergent. In the presence of water alone the material will disintegrate in approximately forty five minutes unless a counter agent is applied to re-enforce the packaging."

Rubenz considered, it was standard packaging material, literally designed to be washed down the sink if necessary for smaller consumer boxes, or down an industrial sink for a pallet. In short it was good for the environment.

But something had triggered the slow disintegration of the packaging. He glanced around and with a mental 'of course' realized that it must be the faux blood that had sprayed from the P3nises littering the floor.

He scanned the bar code on one of the P3nis pedestal or holders or stands, whatever they were called, he identified one that had not disintegrated when the pallet container fell apart. The P3nises were apparently packaged for consumer display in what appeared to be a clear plastic stand, leaving the majority of the penis itself completely exposed. There was a small red arrow that said try me pointing to a red contact sensor that seemed to be wired to the underside of the P3nis that sat upright as if ready for battle like a good little soldier.

Brad thought about that for about 10 seconds, he wasn't exactly sure what that was there for, but he had to find out.

"Review the integrity of all the pallets within range of this crime scene. Then proceed to do a progressive survey of the pallets within 20 meters of this area as well. We can't have pallets crushing us, the evidence or damaging more property." Rubenz ordered the crime scene bots.

Each Bot began reviewing the integrity of each pallet immediately surrounding the crime scene area and within about two minutes they were both moving down the aisle in opposite directions reviewing additional pallets. As they surveyed, they adjusted their sample size up and down as they found necessary based on the results the survey revealed about the integrity of the pallet containers.

Rubenz suspected there would be no further problems, but he primarily needed the crime scene Bot cameras pointed away from him, even if it was just temporary.

He reached out and touched the sensor pad. Instantly, he could feel his penis, correction his P3nis growing hard. The P3nis in the stand was even more erect and lengthening a bit. The simple touch on the sensor pad gave him the sense that he could feel every area of the P3nis as if it were his own and attached and hard wired into his nervous system. It was eerie, but it sure as hell worked well too.

This crazy plastic pedestal with the P3nis sitting on it was just like one of those old kids toys, with the 'try me' button. Once you touched it, you instantly knew just how well this product worked. There was no doubt after feeling it, if you wanted a new P3nis, an extra P3nis . . . well this would confirm you had found what you were looking for.

He removed his finger, which was much easier than removing the P3nis from his forehead. He had had a slight feeling of apprehension that his finger would be stuck, but no worries after all.

He looked back to his phone and realized that the bar code information had been scrolling on a loop. He reset it and learned that the plastic base, contact sensor, even the wires were also made out of the same super bio degradable material.

So as soon as the liquid from the penis probably had come into contact with the pallet, it had proceeded to eat through the shrink wrap, the pallet boxes and supports and the plastic pedestals themselves, unleashing about 600 P3nises to come raining down on the crime scene.

That was a little convenient Brad thought.

"The remaining pallets have been secured. Two pallets required slight reinforcement, but all others should not fail unless acted upon." stated the crime scene Bot.

"Terrific", Rubenz mumbled to no one but the world.

"Re-initiate crime scene analysis but start with an area including my person and work out in a radius away from me until this recent spill of . . . products has been removed. Once this is secured again, then continue where you left off," Rubenz Stated and then added a query, "Please confirm that no information from the previous analysis was lost, and please state whether the crime scene analysis will be degraded due to this subsequent event."

The crime scene Bot rapidly stated, "No information was lost, and the possibility of crime scene degradation is less than 0.0001389 percent. That figure will likely adjust downward once the review commences again and the new data is correlated from the point at which the previous analysis left off.

Continue to Next Chapter - 014 – Al Qaeda in Space

012 – Live Sh1ver

vers 1.2

Something caught Brad's eye just in the corner of his vision on the right. He turned slowly to take in whatever it might have been without missing anything. He always did this out of habit, thinking that if you jerked your head when something caught your peripheral vision, you were more likely to lose focus on whatever it might have been.

As he turned his head, he could have sworn that one of the shrunk wrapped pallets stained with blood had moved just a bit. He stared at it for a full sixty seconds, but it didn't move again.

The crime scene bots hadn't cleared this side yet. They were still working the left side which had a deeper layer of debris even though this side seemed to have received the larger amount of blood, faux blood splatter.

He looked forward at the victim again, at the pile of sliced 'P3nises' or was it 'P3nes'? Now there was a stupid question. The plural of penis was penes, but was the plural of the trademarked brand P3nis, P3nes or P3nises?

He looked forward some more and imagined how things might have unfolded. The murderer/torturer/sex worker or whatever they were, must have grasped the majority of the P3nes with their left hand, and cut with the right hand creating a rupture on the victims left side which splattered to Rubenz right.

Then the severed P3nis must have been tossed or dropped in a leftward direction.

Thinking about the mechanics of this movement, made Brad think the perpetrator must have been right handed or ambidextrous. Regardless the crime scene bots would confirm before long, but it was good to have a feel for these things yourself. It gave Rubenz a sense of job security as if he were a half step and a half a brain process ahead of the crime scene bots.

He caught some movement towards his right again, turned slowly and as he turned he was pretty sure that a different shrink wrapped pallet had moved, not out into the aisle but down slightly, although that was impossible as the pallet base was already sitting on the floor.

Just then his phone went off playing "Jesus stole my Skateboard" again. He looked at the screen it was Captain Bruhaus.

"Sir, this is Rubenz." Brad said. He was hoping a more formal tone might help calm the Captain down a bit. He really didn't need the distraction of a pissed off superior at the moment.

He turned back towards the victim as the phone switched into video mode.

"Got some bad news for you Rubenz. Crime scene video feed on this one is going to be released real time under the Transparent Sunshine Law. The DA just lost a hearing with Judge Riccenbaur. Three different news organizations, paparazzi types all, filed for the video/picture feed release.” the captain said.

“We tried to stall, just following procedure, but you know how it is. The freedom of the press is rarely abridged, especially in a murder investigation involving sex, celebrities or politicians and looks like we have all three here. Apparently this Terry asshole was a bit of a Whack Off celebrity. Can you believe this shit? It’s bad enough people have been finding new ways to fuck themselves with and endless number of substances for the last few millennium and now some asshole has to go invent new body parts to get fucked by and with and ultimately dies from it too.” the captain finished in a huff.

Anyway, stay on your toes. The feed has been buffered and will probably go live soon. Check that, we are live now. We will monitor the video feed audience analytics on the different networks looking to identify any audience members that might interact with it in case the perpetrator is the braggart type that likes to talk to people on the net about their crime after they committed it. But all you have to worry about for now is not fu… breaking protocol on live video!

"Yes, Captain. I will, be careful. Everything has been by the book so far," Rubenz said as he thought he saw a twitch in the pallet again. "Captain, I need to sign off, something . . . "

Before Rubenz could complete the sentence, it seemed like an avalanche of penises came flooding down around and on top of Rubenz. They were everywhere.

Rubenz looked up and could see them falling out of pallets to his right. Some were falling into the aisle where he stood. As he panned down again, he could see the majority were falling straight down crushing the pallets below them that seemed to squish, almost disintegrate.

The pallet walls, the rigid structure that held the pallet together, including the shrink wrap seemed to be dissolving.

He looked up again, just as a rather fat penis tumbled down. The base hit him smack in the forehead.

The god damn thing just stuck there and then all of a sudden Rubenz was aware that he could feel himself getting a hard-on, on his head. Holy shit! The P3nis was alive and on his head.

'RUBENZ!!! What in the great world of fuck are you doing?! Get that damn thing off your head." Captain Bruhaus was shouting.

Rubenz was reaching up and grabbing his penis, ‘Jesus’ that's exactly what he was thinking, it felt like his penis, but he was also very freaked out. He was trying to pull the thing off like a suction cup off a wall, but it wasn't budging. He pulled and pulled, but it was attached solid, like it had grown there and the more he pulled on it the more erect it got, sticking almost straight up, with two meagerly haired balls, retracted up just a bit, but partially blocking his vision.

This was a nightmare.

He dropped the phone and dug in with his fingers and nails trying to get them between the balls and the skin of his forehead. He pulled and squeezed and dug, and it hurt like someone was clawing at his balls. And then all of a sudden both of his thumbs slid up underneath his balls between his forehead and his balls and the thing popped off and he threw it up against a far wall, just redirecting his aim at the last minute so that he didn't throw it straight at the murder victim.

He shuddered, closed his eyes for a three count, sighed, opened his eyes and looked for his phone. It was lying sideways in a stack of P3nises and packing debris with the camera lens pointed at a big erect P3nis.

" . . . Rubenz, you need to report into me as soon as you have a preliminary ready." said the Captain calmly. The Captain was never calm. He only spoke this way when he knew that he was in front of a large audience, which was probably the case right now. The live feed was on, but the audience size must have inflated very rapidly as the circumstances grew out of control. This entire P3nis shit storm must be live to the world and the world was probably eating it up.

"Yes sir, is that all?" Rubenz said.

There was no answer. His phone went dark as the Captain hung up.

Continue to Next Chapter 013 – P3nis Packaging is Good for the Environment